And sometimes, when it is so dark and stormy out, it matches my mood. Maybe it matched my mood yesterday better than it does today. Today my mood could be described as the sun peeking out from behind the clouds knowing that it's going to eventually brighten the entire day...
So I got a call on Monday, late afternoon, from my doctor. I was praying, praying very hard, to NOT get a call. But when I saw my doctor's number show up on my phone, my stomach sank. This only meant one thing, my blood tests didn't come back normal. I braced myself and walked out into the hallway so I wasn't just sitting at my desk for all to hear. Of course, I work in the basement of a building so I can't hear that great on my cell anyway but I tried! So the girl on the line told me I have hypothyroidism. Hmm, I wasn't sure what all that meant so of course I Googled everything I could about it. And I scared myself by doing that but I needed it. I needed to educate myself on it so I know what to expect in the days down the road. They called a prescription in for something that would level out my thyroid hormones. All good. Wrong. They told me I needed A1C blood work done as well because my insulin is high. Well bummer, all I could think is...diabetes.
So I let that all settle in and was somewhat reassured after talking to my mother that she had A1C blood work done this previous Fall but hers came back normal. Well surely if my mothers did, mine would as well. I guess we will see whenever I actually have time to schedule it and get it done. But sitting at lunch yesterday, somewhat accepting the "hippo" thyroid issue (yes, I call it hippo, I just can't help myself for some reason; it makes me giggle), I get another phone call saying after looking at my blood work further, they are pretty sure I will fail the A1C test and would I just go on and get a 2-hour glucose test done while I'm at it. L O V E L Y. I completely lost it after that. I can only handle so much in a 24 hour period. Luckily my husband and I were at lunch when I got this call and when we were on our way back to work, I turned to him with tears in my eyes and said "I'm not handling this all very well". Bless his heart, I really am so hard on him sometimes but he did the only thing he knew to do. He just put his hand on my knee and squeezed slightly and said he was sorry. And honey, I know I was a nutcase last night about it all, but just that gentle reassurance from you, that's what I needed.
So anyway, I sort of broke down on the way home from work last night. I felt like I needed to do that. Maybe it put things into perspective for me. I don't honestly know. But today, for some reason, I feel great about all of this. I know why I am not able to have a baby right now, but I KNOW there are things to help so I can have the baby that my husband and I both want. I finally KNOW. And I feel so relieved to know this information now. I can correct it, take the meds they have prescribed to make me better. I thought knowing something is wrong with me would be completely devastating, and I'm not saying I wasn't devastated as heck for a bit, but I'm happy today. Extremely happy. Because you see, I might have "hippo"thyroidism and might possibly be borderline diabetic, but it can all be fixed. I can be fixed. I can have a baby. And that my friends, is what I'm going to concentrate on. Because that sun, peeking out from the clouds I spoke about earlier, is just a glimpse of my future. My little slice of sunshine when I can finally say "we are going to have a baby!"
So it's been a roller coaster couple of weeks for me, but the thrill of the ride has just hit me and I can't wait to see what comes next.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
just waiting...
Oh how I love the game of "waiting". Well, not really. I could honestly do without. But here I sit and wait.
I was told today at the doctor when I went in for blood work that I was definitely NOT pregnant. Wow, just make that hole in my heart a little bit bigger for me. But I knew I was going to hear it, I just wasn't really prepared for it. So I guess I get the prescription filled so that my evil monthly friend will start. At least then the baby-making process can resume again, this time with very carefully charted temps and everything in between. I know, takes the fun out of it...but we WILL make it fun. Not a job. Right, honey?
They took 5 vials of blood from me this morning. I had no idea they were taking so much. Before they started I asked the lab nurse if they would be taking just one vial of blood and she looked at me like I had told a very funny joke. I definitely didn't think it was funny. But she just shook her head at me and sort of sighed, probably thinking "great, I have one of THOSE patients this morning". And yes, she did have one of THOSE patients. I do not do well with blood, of any sorts. I've just now become immune to them pricking my finger, that alone used to make me turn green in the face! But being anemic and knowing it's an inevitable part of going to the doctor, I don't turn as green any more when they do that part. But taking blood, that's another story. I told her I was going to need to lay down and she told me I would be fine. Excuse me? What? So, me being me, trusted her and sat there and closed my eyes and thought about all the things in this world that make me happy. And then it was over. I guess I have that many things that make me happy but it took my mind completely off of what she was doing. She helped a lot by asking me silly questions all throughout and when she was done and the little hole was covered with a band-aid, I finally looked over. And almost fell out of my chair. I only saw 4 vials but seeing that, knowing it was mine, almost did me in. So I asked her if she took 4 and her sweet voice said "oh no sweetie, we took 5. Your doctor is very thorough and ordered quite a few tests to be run on you". Oh joy! So yeah, I did fine while it was happening and then not so fine after I saw blood. She was very nice and let me sit there for a bit and talk to her about things she could have cared less about. Just so she knew I kept breathing and didn't pass out. She gets the nice award today.
My left arm seriously feels weird now though. Probably because I'm the biggest WUSS when it comes to things like this. Oh well, that part is over. Now I just wait for a phone call saying something is wrong or wait for no phone call to come at all so I know I'm okay...regardless, I wait. And wait.
On another note, I don't mean to bitch (well yes I do) but when you have a doctor appointment, don't bring a whole group of people with you. I mean, I understand if you are pregnant and you want your husband or someone else in his place there with you. But if your husband is there and also your mother and also your mother-in-law AND your other kids, just LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME WITH THE GRANDPARENTS! I don't get it, I couldn't find a place to sit because of all the people. Ok...bitching session over for now. Thank you.
I was told today at the doctor when I went in for blood work that I was definitely NOT pregnant. Wow, just make that hole in my heart a little bit bigger for me. But I knew I was going to hear it, I just wasn't really prepared for it. So I guess I get the prescription filled so that my evil monthly friend will start. At least then the baby-making process can resume again, this time with very carefully charted temps and everything in between. I know, takes the fun out of it...but we WILL make it fun. Not a job. Right, honey?
They took 5 vials of blood from me this morning. I had no idea they were taking so much. Before they started I asked the lab nurse if they would be taking just one vial of blood and she looked at me like I had told a very funny joke. I definitely didn't think it was funny. But she just shook her head at me and sort of sighed, probably thinking "great, I have one of THOSE patients this morning". And yes, she did have one of THOSE patients. I do not do well with blood, of any sorts. I've just now become immune to them pricking my finger, that alone used to make me turn green in the face! But being anemic and knowing it's an inevitable part of going to the doctor, I don't turn as green any more when they do that part. But taking blood, that's another story. I told her I was going to need to lay down and she told me I would be fine. Excuse me? What? So, me being me, trusted her and sat there and closed my eyes and thought about all the things in this world that make me happy. And then it was over. I guess I have that many things that make me happy but it took my mind completely off of what she was doing. She helped a lot by asking me silly questions all throughout and when she was done and the little hole was covered with a band-aid, I finally looked over. And almost fell out of my chair. I only saw 4 vials but seeing that, knowing it was mine, almost did me in. So I asked her if she took 4 and her sweet voice said "oh no sweetie, we took 5. Your doctor is very thorough and ordered quite a few tests to be run on you". Oh joy! So yeah, I did fine while it was happening and then not so fine after I saw blood. She was very nice and let me sit there for a bit and talk to her about things she could have cared less about. Just so she knew I kept breathing and didn't pass out. She gets the nice award today.
My left arm seriously feels weird now though. Probably because I'm the biggest WUSS when it comes to things like this. Oh well, that part is over. Now I just wait for a phone call saying something is wrong or wait for no phone call to come at all so I know I'm okay...regardless, I wait. And wait.
On another note, I don't mean to bitch (well yes I do) but when you have a doctor appointment, don't bring a whole group of people with you. I mean, I understand if you are pregnant and you want your husband or someone else in his place there with you. But if your husband is there and also your mother and also your mother-in-law AND your other kids, just LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME WITH THE GRANDPARENTS! I don't get it, I couldn't find a place to sit because of all the people. Ok...bitching session over for now. Thank you.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Today just feels like a blogging day...
I don't normally share things going on in my life that are incredibly personal but other times, I do. Somehow, I think it makes me feel better to write and know that people I care about are reading and knowing what I'm going through. And honestly, this isn't something that is outrageous, but to me, it's definitely a hard time. And I know I'm driving my husband and closest family members crazy with it some days.
Justin and I have been "trying" to have a baby since the end of June (2009). And I put trying in quotations because it's not like we are timing and taking temps and all that fun stuff. We just haven't been preventing pregnancy. And today I broke down and went to the doctor because I'm 4 weeks late and I knew I was either pregnant (finally!) or something was wrong with me. And I knew in my heart, it was going to be the latter. And today confirmed that.
At this moment, we don't really know what it is. I'm going in for blood work (where I get to fast before, YES!, um no) on Wednesday morning so they can do several tests. I think my biggest fear is not being able to have another baby. And I strongly believe that God will allow me to have another baby because He knows I want one so much and have all the love in the world to give future Baby Collins. It's just a tough thing to grasp.
I guess with this post I'm just trying to write it (type it) out and make some sort of sense of it all. I know I can't keep digging and talking about it until I'm blue in the face but it's something that's really close to my heart right now and always in the forefront of my mind. And it also doesn't help that my doctor didn't really explain anything to me so I could make sense of it. I don't feel like a doctor should leave a girl hanging like this when it comes to having a baby. But maybe I'm wrong? Either way, I guess Wednesday I will go and have blood drawn and just pray I don't pass out from it. And then patiently (HA!) wait until they call back and tell me what that lovely blood pumping through me has to say about it all...
Justin and I have been "trying" to have a baby since the end of June (2009). And I put trying in quotations because it's not like we are timing and taking temps and all that fun stuff. We just haven't been preventing pregnancy. And today I broke down and went to the doctor because I'm 4 weeks late and I knew I was either pregnant (finally!) or something was wrong with me. And I knew in my heart, it was going to be the latter. And today confirmed that.
At this moment, we don't really know what it is. I'm going in for blood work (where I get to fast before, YES!, um no) on Wednesday morning so they can do several tests. I think my biggest fear is not being able to have another baby. And I strongly believe that God will allow me to have another baby because He knows I want one so much and have all the love in the world to give future Baby Collins. It's just a tough thing to grasp.
I guess with this post I'm just trying to write it (type it) out and make some sort of sense of it all. I know I can't keep digging and talking about it until I'm blue in the face but it's something that's really close to my heart right now and always in the forefront of my mind. And it also doesn't help that my doctor didn't really explain anything to me so I could make sense of it. I don't feel like a doctor should leave a girl hanging like this when it comes to having a baby. But maybe I'm wrong? Either way, I guess Wednesday I will go and have blood drawn and just pray I don't pass out from it. And then patiently (HA!) wait until they call back and tell me what that lovely blood pumping through me has to say about it all...
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