I don't normally share things going on in my life that are incredibly personal but other times, I do. Somehow, I think it makes me feel better to write and know that people I care about are reading and knowing what I'm going through. And honestly, this isn't something that is outrageous, but to me, it's definitely a hard time. And I know I'm driving my husband and closest family members crazy with it some days.
Justin and I have been "trying" to have a baby since the end of June (2009). And I put trying in quotations because it's not like we are timing and taking temps and all that fun stuff. We just haven't been preventing pregnancy. And today I broke down and went to the doctor because I'm 4 weeks late and I knew I was either pregnant (finally!) or something was wrong with me. And I knew in my heart, it was going to be the latter. And today confirmed that.
At this moment, we don't really know what it is. I'm going in for blood work (where I get to fast before, YES!, um no) on Wednesday morning so they can do several tests. I think my biggest fear is not being able to have another baby. And I strongly believe that God will allow me to have another baby because He knows I want one so much and have all the love in the world to give future Baby Collins. It's just a tough thing to grasp.
I guess with this post I'm just trying to write it (type it) out and make some sort of sense of it all. I know I can't keep digging and talking about it until I'm blue in the face but it's something that's really close to my heart right now and always in the forefront of my mind. And it also doesn't help that my doctor didn't really explain anything to me so I could make sense of it. I don't feel like a doctor should leave a girl hanging like this when it comes to having a baby. But maybe I'm wrong? Either way, I guess Wednesday I will go and have blood drawn and just pray I don't pass out from it. And then patiently (HA!) wait until they call back and tell me what that lovely blood pumping through me has to say about it all...
it'll all work out in the end. always does, right? in the meantime, it's time to focus on you right now... and try not to worry about the future so much :)
ReplyDeleteOh, Rachel, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that the bloodwork results will put your mind (and heart) at ease.
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